A Breakdown in Communication

I get some strange emails from people who contact me through this site. None of them really affect me.  (Well, except in the case of this one lesbian/tranny crazy druggie weirdo who was harassing me online for a bit before she/he/it was apparently committed to some kind of institution.) For the most part, I tend to be contacted by dudes looking to get laid because they assume that I'm a sure thing since I write about how I like sex. Actually, here's some kind of SMS with a phone number attached that I just got today.

"A tell me wat u think of my dick i need a girls oppinion im 18 i would like it if u could send me a pic of ur pussy im into phone sex if u want to exchange pics"

I mean, this could be spam. It's always kind of difficult to discern between real emails and sex spam, because a lot of the content is totally relevant to me and what I write about. But something about this tells me it's real. Seriously though, for the record, just because I like fucking, doesn't mean that I like fucking everyone.

Anyway, I recently received a thread of messages on MySpace from a guy that I slept with a handful of times seven years ago. He was always socially awkward, to the point where it was kinda painful to experience. And it looks like some things never change!

Alright, so at this point I understand that people who read this site have a really skewed idea of what I'm like and what I'm up for, given that I only really expose this one facet of my life. (Did you know that I'm just as into cross-stitching as I am cock sucking?) So when strangers contact me and say dirty things, or make assumptions, I don't really fault them. I just ignore it.

But the guy who contacted me on MySpace knew me in college. Here's some background info: We hung out with the same group of friends, and we had sex like five times. Each time we did it, he had issues cumming. He was one of those dudes who just keeps thrusting and thrusting until you get so bored that your mind wanders, and you forget that you're even fucking until your vadge starts hurting because it's become arid. Then there would be like 10 minutes of embarrassment as he tried to finish with a jerkoff, which also didn't ever seem to work in his favor. I would just rollover and pretend he wasn't there. What can I say? I was young. These days, someone who's unable to perform wouldn't get as many chances, now that I'm grown.

But his social inadequacies weren't limited to the bedroom. He was just sort of awkward all around. He was constantly apologizing—literally. He would ask for the time and then immediately say "sorry," or he'd mention he was hungry and then say "sorry," or I'd ask him to hand me the remote and he'd say "sorry." It was quirk that, for me, turned into a character flaw.

So anyway I haven't spoken to him in years. After college, he moved back to the suburbs he grew up in. We had one random run-in at a bar, a year later, and we hung out for the night, but that's about it. So when I woke up one morning to find a barrage of messages in my inbox, I was like, "Oh brother."

9:22 PM
Subject: Look who it is
I was searching through my step brothers friends for a slutty girl to masturbate to and look who popped up...

10:17 PM
Subject: No Subject
Your blog is hilarious.  Why didn't I ever get to cum on your lips? LOL.

10:23 PM
Subject: No Subject
just kidding.  anyway if you see like 30 visits to your site it was me.  i hope you're doing well

10:42 PM
Subject: Digits
I know you're probably busy being all famous and stuff but you should holla at cha boy sometime [redacted]. I would genuinely love to hear your voice. Also, if you see Rich and remember, please say hello for me.

this will be my last email. laters.

OK, so I just want to point out that when I checked out this dude's profile, he had pictures of his girlfriend everywhere. And I'm pretty certain that by giving me his number, 25 minutes after he inquired about cumming on my lips, his intentions weren't just to meet up for coffee. Oh, and that was not the last message I received from him.

12:41 AM
Subject: one more time
seriously, i'm really sorry about the cum on the lips thing... hope you didn't take offense... i was just doing too much homework and didn;t really think about it before i sent it... but why should i think that's an appropriate thing to say to someone who i haven't talked to in years? it probably is not. sorry. hope you're doing well. i might be moving to NY this summer and I'll definitely be visiting sometime in Dec. - Jan. maybe i'll run into you. later.

There he goes, apologizing again. At least he had a moment of clarity in there. But back to the cumming on my lips question, here's your answer, dude: Because you couldn't  cum at all!

I never wrote him back, and haven't heard from him since. I'm thinking he got the message.

Comments

[k]

There's something creepy about a guy that says "cumming on your lips"... I don't know why, it just seems creepy. Maybe it's the word lips... kind of like the word panties. Anyway, why is it that the guys that are the most socially awkward are the kinkiest? And why is it that I always leave messages like this when I'm stoned? Ah well.

[Trixie from Toronto]

I dated a guy off and on for a year who had that same ejaculation problem. Nothing I did could get this guy off. It would go on and on and on and on and on and as you say, your mind really starts to wander.

I thought it was just me and that he didn't really find me attractive, but later found out this was a problem with every woman he'd ever been with.

Gay much?

[Dani]

Agh, this freak could be my ex. He contacts me with these rants, then apologies. Hopefully he won't keep on writing like my psycho ex, though, because it's amusing first, then you feel a tad... stalked.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

The whole "sorry" thing is so irritating. I dated a guy like that once & it became like breathing, in that it was something he said but never actually thought about saying before he said it, thereby making it meaningless; especially since he said it more when it didn't make sense to apologize than when it did. Arg. Good luck, hope this guy is gone for good!
Jules
House of Jules

[tim]

this is hilarious. i hope he reads this and writes you like 30 times. and then immediately apologizes.

[Tanith]

tim -- Totally.

Where are you "Mr. Sorry"?

He'd probably spanked it already 5 times before he hooked up with you.
That's a common sex-tard problem. Too much of getting your freak on means there's no freak left when it matters.

He probs says "sorry" to his pile of sticky tissues.

Why I go for older guys. Less spaz.

[drongo]

I know a girl who says sorry for everything, even when she asks to use my bathroom. Haaaa!

[jacinda]

I work work this kid who is always saying sorry and then lets out this annoying exhale/stammer. It drives me nuts!!!! I always ask him what's he sorry for....it makes me want to shake him like a baby

[The Ethical Slut]

Arg, the regretable men we sleep with in the folly of our youth. I once slept with a man who's nickname was "The Ogre". 'Nuff said.

[sarahkasarah]

Yikes - is totes my exboyfriend at 2am hammered after his current girlfriend dumped him... dudes, forever and always alike.

[tim]

the ogre? really?

[andrea]

what a damn re-re!

[faith]

bwahahahahahahahahaha im suuuuuuuuuure he read this then, ya think?

[Susan Confusion]

if you see like a visit to your site, that was me

[kira]

always sucks to get creepy letters -- i receive some every month or so from my ex boyfriend from 8TH GRADE who is now apparently bipolar and has fixated on that particular time in his life as his peak -- he dumped me for my best friend, btw -- anyhoodle the point of this story was to send you some LOVE mail! hi slutmachine! found your blog about a week ago (i know, so late to this party) and i LURV your writing on here as well as on jezebel. in fact, i blogged all about that insane Morgellons disease tonite, inspired by y'alls post. CRAZY CREEPY SKIN FIBER STUFF OMGGG.
keep on keepin' on, kira xx

[ironicreference]

i was the editor of my school newspaper.

[LauraPalmer]

I am in college right now and just stopped fucking (or attempting to fuck) this boy because, although he could get hard, he could never fucking cum. Oh, and they will never admit to it out loud. Me: "What's wrong?" Him: "Oh nothing. It's just really hard for me to get off with a condom on..." Bullshit

[Valley Girl]

Nice. Why don't I ever get blog mail like that? The only people that write me are married men pretending they want to be my "friend."

[britty]

yes. can totally relate. am dealing with a similar stalking experience at the moment, a la facebook and now aim. seem all normal for about 2.5 secs and then flip a switch and its all: "cumming on your tits" and shit.

[AJ Valliant]

Persistence in lieu of charm, eh?

I'll have to adopt the old "cringing apology come on" into my bag of tricks.

"seriously, i'm really sorry about the cum on the lips thing... hope you didn't take offense... i was just doing too much homework and didn;t really think about it before i sent it."

See, thats why I stopped doing homework: halfway through an essay I would just start sending random bukkake inducements to old acquaintances. The social fallout was sizable.

[Entroffic]

sorry, nothings coming ... WCB after I finish my hmwk.
PS: this is all SO ... SO alienating! Sosso was Joe Stalin's nickname. I think sex-positive gals are nihilist tyrants in a Blowback sort of way ... comeuppance for the expansive selfishness of my youth. You and your kind really are what I dreamed of/asked for in my horny imagination 20 years ago ... there IS such a thing as too late. Fishing for ... I dunno. Just can't go back to the Balzac right after your blog, dear esteemed Slutmachine.
sincerely, the Entroffic Mariner

[Some Guy]

Hi, I just discovered your blog though Salon.

I'm a man who has the same problem achieving an orgasm. It has nothing to do with being gay. It doesn't have to do with the desire for the particular partner. some women who I still think about to this day, I was not able to ejaculate when I was with them.

The medical community refers to it as retarded or delayed ejaculation. I myself can only come through masturbation. Sex or oral/manual mulation of my penis feels really good, but it never gets me over the edge. For whatever reason, I need my own touch. If I am with a partner I prefer to have her stimulate by balls, thighs, perineum, or ass while I stroke it.

I discovered this the first time I had sex in college. I didn't know what was going on. I was ejoying it, and felt close, but never went over the falls. I guess I started to look into it when my girlfriend said, "you know I've been blowing you for over an hour, right?"
It's still the case even though I've been married for ten years and I'm 40 years old. It doesn't have to do with the desire for the particular partner. some women who I still think about to this day, I was not able to ejaculate when I was with them.

As dysfunctions go it's got some benefits. I can be hard for however long she wants me to which most women have approved of. My general pattern with my wife is we have intercourse until she want's to stop (or my arms give out or somebody's leg starts cramping), then I masturbate while she stimulates me. Even then I take a way to come, so by that enough time has gone by that she wants to come again. So she masturbates while I talk dirty to her or play with her breasts which are pretty sensitive.

I don't know why this happened. I like coming. I like coming with women around. I don't know if my cock is just not that sentive, if I started masturbating with too strong a grip or whatever. They are definitely some physical aspects to it. It's easy for me to come while standing. Sometimes I need to tire out the muscles that are holding back by standing on my toes. There are some days, I know it's just not going to work and stop without coming.

[jason]

wow.