Peru Perv

I just got back from vacation in Peru. I went with a group of people, one of whom—Joven—broke off from the rest of the pack at the beach for a few days to go to Cuzco and Machu Picchu. When he returned, he brought everyone back presents that were really thoughtful and tailored to their personalities. This is what he brought back for me:

He's such a good gift buyer,right? It's appropriately inappropriate. It's some kind of incense burner, although I'm not exactly sure how it works. There's an empty space on the bottom, a hole through the tube at the top and a hole on each of the peeps' butts.

I picked up a bunch of other cool sexually explicit items while I was down there.

I bought this pipe for Rich:

I think that's a woman whose back door is being knocked on, but it was the closest thing I could find to gay sex. It's a really pretty pipe—it has a lid on the top and everything.

I got this one for myself:

They're doing a 69, which is actually my least favorite position. (I can't concentrate on two things at once and I also can't relax enough to enjoy myself because I'm so afraid I'll end up farting in the dude's face.) They had a reverse cowgirl one, which happens to be my fave position. I don't know what I was thinking not getting that one. I guess I thought that the 69 one was lewder, and that appealed to me for some reason.

I also bought these at a grocery store called Wong:

I bought every box they had. Not because it helps delay male climax, but because it says "retardante."  I would actually never use one of these things because I watch Curb. But anyway, I think I'll be naming the goldfish I plan to get Retardante. I'll came him Dante for short. I'll only call him Retardante when he's in trouble.

Do you like my golden tan? I achieved that by reapplying waterproof 50 SPF up to three times a day, and sitting in direct shade.

Stay tuned for Part 2, in which I talk about all the shit that actually happened, like how I ate a guinea pig, I almost drowned (Joven saved my life), my flight home was canceled, my friend got robbed, I had the misfortune to experience a reflexology session, I learned to count in Spanish in my sleep while everyone was doing reps with a personal trainer two rooms over, I was constipated for a week straight, I was missing my vibrator like crazy and I unexpectedly was successfully seduced for the first time in like, forever, I guess.

Comments

[Shayna]

I want to be your best friend. I think you are exceptionally great.

[u dont know me]

Thats so awesome sm. Thats great you had fun. Those pipes and such are too bad ass.

[Katie]

I like when sex is an entree with you, but I also like when it's just like a condiment or something. And I also love the feeling of direct shade on my face.

[MG]

This is highly amusing material. Very Oscar Wilde, if he were a slutty cute chick.

[Plusha]

Oh shit, is that what that is? An incense holder? I have one just like it that I inherited from my grandparents, and I always thought that it was an ashtray. How can we find out what it actually is? Did your friend tell you what it's called? Maybe we can google it.

[beliefunwrought]

That is a reproduction of an erotic Moche drinking vessel. The Moche being an ancient Pervuian people who made some really incredible ceramics about 2000 years ago. They did some beautiful work including a suprisingly large number of pots depicting humans in various sexual positions.

[Amanda]

PLEASE tell me you got some authentic Latin American D while you were down there. Chilean D is still the best I've had in my entire life.

[bryanna]

thats such a cute dress! where did you get it from?

[Jeannette]

thanks, beliefunwrought. this is very cool.
http://www.museolarco.org/igal_er3.shtml

[andrea]

i'm peruvian and when i was like 8 years old they took everybody in my school to the national museum. there were hundreds of those reproductions. every position u can imagine. it was a very fun trip.

[crackles]

that is an amazing dress.
and sweet for another post. finally!

[susanelle]

Part 2: gimmee it, gimmee it, gimmee it

[artech]

The expressions on the faces on that first pipe kill me. Absolutely awesome.

[Liz]

Seriously: whence came the dress. Must have it.

[Gen]

Can't believe you actually ate CUY! I went to Peru 2 times (got friends there) and I just couldn't bring myself to eat it ;) But the rest of your list is quite Peru-like, from the friend getting robbed to the constipation and the cancelled flight. Peruvians actually say that 'Peru es el país donde todo puede ocurrir', the country where anything can happen. And I found that to be quite true...

Nevertheless, I'm glad you went and enjoyed your trip. I think Peru is a wonderful place (especially for white tourists, they pretty much give you whatever you want) and I'm actually planning to go back ASAP. I'm jealous!

Can't wait to hear all the rest of your stories :)

[Chion]

Yesss welcome back, can't wait to hear about the seduction!! Is it just me or do the guys in peru stare at you, and then when you catch them--they don't turn away... its intense but also kinda hot. hahaha

[Loren]

Oh man, SM, we missed you! On here AND Jez. It just wasn't the same with you gone.

[jew]

welcome back, girl!

[jenna]

i want to know what kind of trouble you expect your goldfish to get in. those condoms are hilarious. welcome back!

[Katy]

Ohhh you have to post more pictures of your vacation!!

[fried2styles]

I'm curious what you would describe as seduction. From what I've read, you get "seduced" all the damn time!

[vinny]

get some of those incense cones. put it inside the bottom tray unit.

if my theory is correct, the smoke should come out the buttholes.

[Trixie]

I too hate 69 for the same reason and I also love reverse cowgirl!! Sounds like you had a blast -- have always wanted to go to Peru.

[Gadfly]

OH NO JOE!

Please say it ain't so!

You ain't a RAICES PERV!

*chuckle*

I gotta hear about the seduction. I just never pictured that happening to you. I mean, I'm sure that it has happened in the past ... but now that you are you -- I just gotta meet the guy who could MAKE you get up and go fuck him when the thought wasn't in your head to begin with these days LOL

[Elle]

Muy jealous of your trip.

I have seriously been looking for a dress like that for months. Where is it. WHERE.

[Mrs. Lopez]

I want those condoms... u should let us know how they work.

[nenasadije]

i can has part two?

[faith]

the pipes are awesome, and welcome back!!! Hope you had a blast, you lucky cunt. :)

[jenner]

(I can't concentrate on two things at once and I also can't relax enough to enjoy myself because I'm so afraid I'll end up farting in the dude's face.)

LOL DITTO, ESP the farting part. I can't think of too many other things that would kill the mood...lol

Can't wait to hear the stories! Except the guinea pig, I don't wanna hear that part :( But the rest sounds good! ;)

[Sarah]

I just started playing a video game called Eternal Sonata, and the main town is named Ritardando. We should find a way to turn ourselves into Japanime characters and move there, y/n?

[rocknrollunicorn]

Ugh, 69 is for like 17 year olds who think it's cool and don't know any better. There is no way I can concentrate on having an orgasm AND giving a bj at the same time, and I shortchange both endeavors in the process. Guys love it, though, I think because they just like experiencing things they saw on dirty Tshirts.

[Mrs. Lopez]

Rocknrollunicorn,
There is nothing wrong with the 69... a lot of guys like to do it regardless of age.

[johan megaman]

jesus christ can you write the second half of this already.

[Dingosmom]

What is this Curb that you watch?

[xola]

if i'm not mistaken, that top looks like rachel pally at anthropologie.

[Katy]

Pleeeeasee put up Part 2!!! I can't wait any longer!!!!

[stories]

Could it be an ocarina instead of a pipe?
Blow on it and change the notes by covering up the buttholes? Hmmm. that could have possibilities!

[J]

I think being constipated for a week would make me cry.

[JewBoy]

Seriously, what an effin tease. WRITE PART 2 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

[Emily]

You are looking so skinny! You were beautiful before, please don't lose anymore weight! Also, 69 totally sucks. Way too much hype.

[Kira]

I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I love your writing and you are my personal hero.

[Martin]

Raices Perv is an anagram of Raper Vices. Just had to point that out.

[Katrina!!!!]

Hey Tracie,

We miss you... write more!

I want to hear more about your trip, and It's been too long since a good One D at a Time post...

come back to us!

[whyyyyy]

!!! you clearly left us for jezebel. which i enjoy, but c'mon. this was one of my favorite websites!

[Kate]

I miss the frequency of posts at this blog. It's actually what led me to Jezebel in the first place, which is great, but not candidly raunchy enough. Except when you write.

Also, in that pic above you actually look a little like Lucy (from Charlie Brown) with shades, cause of the mouth. Fitting.

[smaile]

http://blondewahine.blogspot.com/
Please go to my blog spot to complete an academic survey. I am a student at the University of Hawaii and a women's studies minor. I am doing a research project with a survey element. Please help me. Aloha.

[Shayna]

its been almost a month! where are you!

[Strayrod]

'crickets'

[Meli]

You promised seduction. no fair machine no fair

[Mrs. Lopez]

Does she post our comments or do they post on their own?