Why I Never Write Here, And Other Things That Are Wrong With Me

I go through phases where I just completely avoid this site. I get caught up in my day job and other freelance stuff, but honestly, I could totally make more time to write here than I have been. The truth is, I've been dealing with something lately that I never really had to before. When I stopped being anonymous, and the people in my life knew that my interactions with them were potential fodder for something I might write, things changed. I began getting requests like, "Please, please don't write about this."

The thing is, no matter what I write, it's never truly about anyone else—it's always about me. (And even when people are shitheads, I still don't name names.) However, when I think it might affect the relationships in my life, or I think the request is super important to a person, I won't write about something they ask me not to, no matter how juicy the subject matter, as with my trip to Peru. I'm not a completely heartless bitch, after all.

Mostly, I respect their wishes because for a long time, I thought (and was told) that this blog is a large part of why my ex-boyfriend and I couldn't make things work, and I wanted to be careful not to similarly destroy other relationships. After we broke up, I was really down on myself, thinking, Christ, if a pornographer can't deal with my crap, who the hell can? Now that I am no longer anonymous, I feared I had screwed myself out of getting fucked ever again, or out of anyone willingly falling in love with me. I had resigned myself to thinking that I'd made my bed, and now I would be sleeping alone in it, for the rest of my whore-y life.

But now I understand that his disdain for what I write/have written was merely a symptom of what was wrong with us, at the core. He said he hated that I wrote about sex with other people, even though the stories—written when we were together—were from past experiences. But when it comes down to it, I think he actually hated himself, and he resented me. His self-hatred is rooted in some crazy body dysmorphia bullshit, a deep depression, and a desire to never be happy. His resent toward me, I feel, is that I'm actually really comfortable with who I am—the good, the bad and the ugly. In fact, the only time in my life that I've ever disliked myself, and had fallen into a severe depression, was when I was with him. Still, it wasn't all bad between us, and my feelings for him run really deep, which is why this breakup has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, emotionally.

I've cycled through the five stages of grief over and over again, until my tears—much like my thoughts about him and us—went from daily, to occasional, to non-existent. When I got home from vacation last month, I made a point to not IM him, call him, text him, just to see what would happen. I never heard a peep. He didn't notice. That was OK, though. I was doing so much better. I realized that almost a month had gone by and I hadn't thought of him at all. But that realization made me sad all over again, so I contacted him.

We had an hour and a half conversation on the phone during which we were both crying, talking about how hard it was to face the fact that two best friends had merely turned into two people who used to know each other. And then he dropped the bomb on me: He was seeing someone else. And he's like super into her. The fucking Kübler-Ross model failed to include the phase of "He's Moved on to Someone Nine Years Younger, with a Less Threatening Job/Education Than You."

Fuck. I always knew that something like this was an eventuality. I mean, I watch Lifetime Original Movies. I know about how my climbing age is supposed to be directly related to my declining desirability as a mate or something. I mean, I don't really buy into that crap so much, but there's at least a grain of truth to it. I just didn't think that shit would begin before I hit 30. With my impending 29th birthday hanging over my head like a guillotine, this was the last thing I needed to learn.

The fact that he's seeing some office assistant who didn't go to college is no shocker. I was the smartest, most educated girl he's ever been with. I was totally not his type at all. I don't have tattoos all over. The only things pierced on my body are my earlobes. I don't dye my hair black. I don't appropriate black culture as an ironic joke while being a rock-only fan. At times, I suspected that he hated my intelligence because I knew how to win every verbal argument we ever had. It was really no contest. I imagine that dealing with someone less complicated is probably a welcomed relief.

But still—and I know how stupid this sounds, TRUST—I can't help but be bothered by the idea that, yeah, I could do the Monday and Tuesday crossword puzzles in circles around his new girlfriend, but that doesn't change the fact that her tits are probably higher than mine. Ugh, I hate that I even just typed that sentence. But it's real. It's what I'm feeling right now.

In a desire to torture myself, my head swirled with questions about how they are together, and if it's anything like how he was with me. Does he still leave his shirt on every time he fucks? (He was ashamed of his back hair.) Did he tell her about the HPV he contracted when he cheated on me? (He swears he didn't cheat, but how is it that his dick magically broke out in warts when he stopped sleeping with me, while I remain HPV-free?) Do they fall asleep in each other's arms on his couch at night while they watch his giant TV? Does he kiss her face all over in the morning while she pretends she's sleeping?

I know it's not healthy to play all of that shit (and more) in my mind, but I think that maybe this is just normal and it's part of the process. For someone who's so insistent upon instant gratification, I'm struggling with the realization that fully getting over this relationship will take some time, mostly because I loved him so completely—genital warts and all.

My ex begged me not to write about any of this. But I really needed to. He was like, "Why can't you just go to therapy!?" And I was like, "And give away my material!?"

Anyway, I'm so over not writing because other people would prefer it that way. Not writing about what happens to me isn't going to make people love me, in the same way that writing about it isn't going to render me unlovable for the rest of my whore-y life.

P.S. I'm a big hypocrite baby. The guy that I'm seeing is 22! (And he has a nice dick.)

Comments

[emily]

"'And give away my material!?'"

Ha ha, exactly!

[CeEm8ch]

You'll be fine Tracie. I did start writing out an epic post about a very similar relationship of mine, but that would be unnecessary and inappropriate. I will say, though, that the STD bullet I dodged was HIV. Which, funnily enough, ten months later brought a whole new perspective to my view of the end of our relationship.
In time, as you know, the pain and bitterness will go. I hope it's not too long before you can look back with a smile.

Also, anyone worth being with you will respect what you do and how awesome you are, and be secure enough with themselves not to be threatened by your differences.

[S]

As much as I'd respect your decision to refrain from discussing personal affairs for the sake of your friends, this LA girl is THRILLED you'll be returning to your more-frequently-posting ways. Pot Psychology is great and all, but we all fell in love with you via 1D@AT.

[moroccco.]

you may say that you are having doubts about people being with you, but i think you proved yourself wrong in your own post.
1- youre not a heartless bitch. you have enough self repsect for your friends and yourself not to write about them.
2- your human. you still might have feelings for that one ex, and sitll have doubt. most normal people dont want robots!
3- youre honest.which is pretty evident in all your posts.
and hey, anyone open about sex is one hella attractive person.

thanks for coming back.

[Katrina]

I Love you Slut Machine, and your loss of anonymity makes it all so much more visceral to me, I hope you find comfort in your new man, because this time sucks (post break up that is). You're strong and feisty enough to get through it wiser than ever.

much love

[maura]

such an awesome post. i usually just lurk, but i have been going through a similar situation.

p.s. where did you get that t-shirt that's in your about me pic??? i need one!

[pitchshifty]

I'm going through a situation almost identical to yours right now, and it is such a relief to hear someone else's perspective on it. Also glad that you're back, you have been missed!

[K.]

Don't take his HPV as a definite sign that he cheated on you. Just because he broke out in warts doesn't mean you didn't have the virus too; it could have just been that your body was able to take care of it.

I can understand why people don't want you writing about them, but at the same time, it's awful self-absorbed of them to assume that all readers will "recongnize" the people in your writing. For Christ's sake, I live in Ohio. I would bet that your average reader has a similar detachment from your social circle.

[zoey]

I think your "coming out" has really helped strengthen your voice and it just makes readers connect more to your experiences, comical or not.

You have straight girls getting hardons for you. Enjoy it and brag about it. The 22 year old is a lucky guy...

[m]

Hm, I think there's something in the air as of late, because a lot of women I know are having resurgences of a weird regret about their last serious relationships, myself included--not so much about whether things ending was a good idea or not, just that they *did*. What you wrote about how sad it is that two best friends have become two people who used to know each other--mourning for that kind of thing, I guess; the loss of something, even if it needed to be lost.

And okay, I know I'm a lurker on your blog and don't actually know you, but if I can get all up in your business for a moment, fuck your ex. I'm sure he had all kinds of good qualities, but if he didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, he's a fucking idiot. I mean, *I* think you're pretty cool, and I'm a crazy from the internet. Who the fuck is he?

Anyway, I don't usually comment, but I felt like you put yourself out here in a more vulnerable way than you usually do, and I just wanted to say rock your whore-y life; people will always love you for it. And ugh, now I've gone all Oprah.

Teabagging.

Okay, better.

[Ally]

I think you and I may be going through the exact same thing except trade blogging for attending med school and his HPV for a beer belly!

It's so sad, but it DOES take time. The Kubler-Ross stages are not linear-- the pain you are feeling is going to wax and wane repeatedly. Just like the title of your blog, one "D"ay at a time.

And BTW, you are absolutely gorgeous, and smart, and hilarious...The list is endless. This has nothing to do with your age and more about the fact that he wanted somebody more simple. It's easier that way (remember that Sex and the City episode with Carrie and Big?). I don't understand this phenomenon any better than you, but it seems to be something I increasingly encounter the more educated and, therefore, "intimidating" I become. It's fucking stupid.

Thankfully, you have the insight to recognize that the negative emotions you were feeling were all symptoms of this man. The biggest loss of all would have been if you had actually believed him.

[chelsea g]

Tracie,

Dude. Seriously, break-ups suck the great big one, and not in a good way. There is almost no way to escape from a break-up without feeling, however fleetingly, like refried viscera.

I think, too, that the late twenties are particularly tough, what with all the hella-stupid cultural pressure to have your life all figured out already.

Cut yourself a fat slice of forgiveness and don't talk to your X. He's not your friend right now. He can't be your friend, as you can't be his. And I say this all not knowing you from Eve, nor more than what you've said in this post about your sitch, but with the wisdom of age and an eerie sense of deja vu when reading your experience in the cold hard light of my own.

chin up, buckaroo.
chelsea g.

[DaisyPup]

Tracie, if you think you're freaking out about your boobs heading south as you stare down the barrels of age 30... try imagining turning 40. I'm there right now, and it's a little scary.

...No, forget that. It's not possible to imagine 40 at 29. Whole lotta miles/experiences/dicks/jobs/blog entries/etc... between here and there.

My point is... You're hot as hell, and I suspect that you know this (at least most of the time). Yeah, doubts and fears will come and go, but please keep perspective. Your mind is sizzling, your talent is huge, and your beauty is STELLAR.

I'm starting to sound stalker/creepy...sorry. Topic sentence: You rock, and you're gorgeous - inside, outside, and at every orifice in between.

Learn it, know it, live it.

[Lucy]

I ache for you. Know that the pain will eventually pass. You deserve far more than what you had.

[Bette]

As a 20 year-old whose tits are probably higher than yours, I would switch in a heartbeat to have the confidence and self-assurance you seem to have. Seriously. Don't be so down on yourself! From what this creepy anonymous person can gather from your blogs, you're fucking awesome.

I don't really want to be completely cliche, but I think you just need time to get a better grip on what you're going through.

[WMG]

Well done to you! I applaud you for bravely shrugging off the influence of others and returning to something made just for you. After all, isn't that really what your whole blog is about, and what keeps all of us avidly checking it? You seem like one of those rare people who does what they want and tells everyone else to go fuck themselves if they have a problem with it. It's refreshing. And although all of your escapades seem like they are fictional, it's nice to know that someone with so many admirable qualities is human and goes through break-ups just as shitty as the rest of us.
Keep on keeping on. :)
Whitney
PS I know it's not very helpful, but really, you need to forget him.

[Kira]

Using your blog as an excuse not to date you is totally bullshit and I'm glad you recognize that now. There are guys out there that are secure in themselves not to care.

[Ash_Teej]

Welcome back SM!!!
You have been missed!

As one confident, smart, out-spoken, driven, hot and perhaps a lil' imperfect sex kitten to another, some men just CANT handle us!

I lost my first love b/c I wanted an education....he wanted....well, nothing really...unfortunately it's so much easier to be with a girl who's mouse-y and quiet and compliant - being with us takes confidence!

PS: You are friggin' awesome! And don't forget it!

[Jen]

Totes been there.

I just got over my self loathing ex who would mind fuck me into hating myself as well.

As our moms have always told us, "Misery loves company."

It's been a year and a half, and I can't say I miss the way he made me crawl over glass to love him and be loved back.

I do still miss our awesome first year together though, but I've separated the 'relationship' aspect from the 'him' aspect.

Pssshhh please, and yours WOULD start seeing some "administrative coordinator" or whatever the official title for phone answerer/copy maker is. Your age has nothing to do with it; it's his self esteem.

Feel better!! You're the shit!!!

[Melanie]

I was just learning about Sophie Calle in this class I'm taking right now, especially about her art dealing with her break-ups and this totally reminded me of it. You're awesome. : )

[BayBB]

Don't let his neurosis become your own. You seem like a confident person who knows what you want and who you are. Don't let anyone else make you doubt that. I had an ex do the same thing to me, I literally got to the point where I felt weight on my shoulders. I've also had friends that tried to make their problems my own. You will feel so much better once you cut those people completely out of your life.

[H]

I work grave yard shifts and it's the middle of the night and I have nothing clever to say.

I'm just glad you're writing again.

HH

[Kay]

Tracie, I've struggled with the whole "he'd rather date someone dumb with great tits" on more than one occasion...and have come to feel like straight dudes can be divided into two categories. First, we have the insecure, too-dependent-on-patriarchy-to-accept-a-woman-might-be-smarter-than-he-is type, who will always go for the dumb, simpering chick...but that choice pretty much just confirms that he was NOT good enough for you in the first place. I know that's little comfort right now, cuz you got invested in him, flaws and all...but in terms of looking forward to next real attachment (obviously different from the folks you might do in the meantime!), I'd think carefully about making sure it's the other kind of guy: the cool-with-himself, able-to-enjoy-women's-intelligence-cuz-he-doesn't-have-to-feel-threatened-by-it. They do exist (even if rare)--and given that you're a writer, it seems like having someone who can genuinely get on board with that might be, well, as obligatory as certain other of his assets!

And, picking such a guy happily mitigates the "Oh my god I'm going to turn 30" problem--because the more you can connect with someone in intellectual ways, the less dependent your relationship will be on strict questions of appearance/height of chest.

Anyway, excuse the pontificating--basically I'm trying to convince MYSELF of all of the above!! But I do really think those guys exist--we just have to at least start by rejecting all the folks who fall into the first category.

[jonathan]

Just a few comments:
1) Ever since I returned to the US, I've heard woman complain again and again that men here are threatened by smart/educated women, but I never believed it. However the complaint is so widespread and uniform (yours is just the latest version) that I guess it must be true. How fucking sad, especially since it makes life harder for me: all the smart women try to hide their brains beneath handbags, sunglasses and irony.
2) If those are your tits in the "About me" photo, then you have absolutely nothing to fear from his new girlfriend; Yours are wonderful.
3) If you ever have the urge for a joint in the village, come on over. You can write about it all you want!

[sissygirl]

two words -

thank god!

I was sick of coming here to see that Peru shit still up, get back to work!

[Melissa]

Um, I kinda love you in a totally non-freaky way for writing this amazing post! As a big fan, I love your blog for the commentary about.....ANYTHING, not just the juicy hookup/sexcapades gossip, so I completely agree with your need to not disclose certain intimate information. Like everyone else here, I am just ecstatic that you are writing again. You are great, Señorita

[Mike May]

It sounds like your blog, as you would like to write it, is interfering with your relationships. Now you think you have to make a choice: good blog or good relationships.

I can't really pretend to know you personally, but if my blog presented me with a similar choice I would know one thing for certain, maintaining a good blog is a damn lot easier than maintaining a good relationship. (And that's one to grow on.)

[Susanelle]

Argh, you would so not let yourself get away with this if you had written this as a letter to Pot Psychology (I mean you would not let someone else torture themselves wishing they were younger, stupider, less educated and more high-titted).

It's kind of a good sign that you're still carrying a torch for this guy -- it means you have a big heart and are probably deep, etc. Sucks that it means you suffer more, too.

[Sabina]

Anyone who's too repressed or threatened to want you to be who you are and write all about it isn't worth your time anyway. You're too cool for those losers.

[Bryanna]

I am sad that we don't get to hear juice from your trip! Your writing always makes me smile.

[raspberryjamba]

Just because she's twenty, it doesn't mean she's got better tits than you girl! Have you even met this girl? You got NICE titties!

Also, she might be a wonderful person. Just because she's younger, doesn't mean that she's some dumb bimbo.

Dumb bimbo or not, she'll probably end up leaving this guy too, just like you did. If he won't take his shirt off for sex because of back-hair, his self-image might be too distorted to ever have a healthy relationship.

Plus this other guy has a NICE dick! Good job SM!

[Jake]

You're pretty amazing.

[sarahkasarah]

joy, you are back and with a great post.

ty.

and... i agree with Jake.

You're pretty amazing lady.

[kkee]

easier prey for the male psyche. animal instincts, man.

[crazylegsmeg]

man, i have been WAITING for you to write something new. this is more than i could have even asked for. you rule.

[ang]

you're incredible for this post. i love that you not only realized that he was intimidated by your intelligence, but you're able to talk about it.

you're damn smart and any man should love that, not loathe it.

i have a new motto. it goes as follows:

men are big, dumb animals.

yeah, yeah doesn't apply to all men. but it totally applies to the ones who piss girls off. seriously.. if he's pissing you off or hurting you he's probably acting like a big, dumb animal.

thanks for the post!!

[prudemachine]

"I don't appropriate black culture as an ironic joke while being a rock-only fan"

brilliant.

[Lizzles]

I always check back here because I love your writing, and I'm glad to see you back and writing. I've been through it all a number of times, even at this moment, but as hard as it is, I have to tell myself that it really does get better. You're an amazing girl and writer, try not to let people who aren't worth it get you down :)

[Sam]

HUUUUUUGS

FOR EVERYONE

[Cody]

I just wanted to say you are awesome, I know that is pretty lame and cheesy but I mean that the best way possible, people like you give hope to my dream of people actually being honest and not hiding everything they can from people.

[chloe.]

i lost my virginity last week & the only thing i could think right after was 'I hope my life, & my sex life is half as great & interesting as Tracy's, I'd be happy with that.'
your the hero of a sixteen year old, who's half way round the world.
i just really wanted you to know, i think your awesome.

[dave]

<3

[jesus christ]

Uhhhhhh-You like to spend the day baked on your couch in front of the tv, you are no stranger to coke binge filthy fuck sessions, you like Mastodon, you have amazing tits-and you are hung up on a guy WHO WORE A T-SHIRT WHEN YOU FUCKED LIKE SOME MIDDLE AGED GUIDO?
Was he in a band? Did he have amazing blow or eat pussy like Pee Wee Herman wore a bow tie? I must be missing something

[Mrs. Lopez]

I agree. You could have the disease. You should get checked. I can understand why you feel so bad. I almost lost the love of my life with my selfish-ness of wanting to have sex with other ppl but its not worth it. I would just use my hand or something if my guy wouldn't have sex with me. That would suck to lose the love of ur life cuz you were horny. Its not worth it. What is more important? Cumming for a little or having someone love u unconditionally? I pick love. I guess some ppl don't have control and have to get some d no matter how many ppl they hurt. I'm sorry you lost ur man. I don't know many sluts that have someone to truly love them. I hope one day you decide to change ur ways and not be a 45yr still having one-night stands with random men. Unless its what u want. And as for ur boobs... that definitely tells u its time to settle....down....

[sam]

Thank you so much for writing this. I'm currently in a similar situation and you've made me feel a little less like I might be overreacting/need therapy.

I am, however, less worried about no one ever loving me again than me ever feeling the same way about anyone else as I did about him.

I keep telling myself that people go through this crap all the time and manage to get over it. I'm hoping the whole 'time's the greatest healer' thing is true.

Sorry for the self indulgent comment. Good luck with getting over the guy. Pity he couldn't see when he had a good thing.

[jon utah]

why do all these people on here suck yo dick so much?i think you are kinda silly and pathetic and a decent writer (which is why i love reading your blog so much) but they love you, they must be 300 lb shut ins from kansas or something. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! also i can't believe that you didnt tell that dude that you have herpes until after you had been fucking him for a while. unprotected no less. disgusting. you are virus wrapped in a flabby, pasty and no doubt slightly oderous packaging.

[Katrina]

Re: John in Utah

we are strong feminist women who support a fellow woman in her life's ambitions. get a life skeeze.

and coming from utah, you might just want to think twice about whipping out the kansas card.

Kat in Toronto

[maggknowleah]

I always wondered, as a big fan of your blog (because of the writing not the sex tales, kind of like when people insist that they read playboy for the articles but I'm not lying) about whether you ever needed or wanted love, because you never talked about it. I just assumed that you weren't currently into it for whatever reasons and that you sought the adventures and excitement that came with sex more than the depth of actually connecting with someone. Anyway, when I read this post I felt that you were doing something really honest and bold by talking about something so personal. And you never sacrificed your wit and humor in the process of explaining your absence and/or your feelings. I hope people are inspired to be open after reading it. You are brave, you are a great writer and you have learned that your work is not stagnant because it has to grow alongside your life, and that is really valuable. Nothing can be the same as when you were anonymous and it will just push you further toward the next great thing you will do.
And furthermore, I am happier still to learn that you are tattoo-free! That is the coolest.

[faith]

well said.

You are a brave, strong, and intelligent woman.

I think you hit a nerve here, with most readers, and I admire your honesty.

Maybe if i stopped drinking and started writing I would feel better.

p.s. you are also fantastic.

[joe-back mountain]

Damn Tracie, you always make me think about what you read. Most blogs I skim and look at pictures, but I get engrossed. You are utterly intrigue me, crazy lost condom stories especially. I love reading about someone who could be similar to me minus the fact that I have a penis. This is getting too fan boy, but thank you for all the work you put in here and at Jezebel.

p.s. I envy that you get to talk to my other blog love...Rich.