One D at a Time

Peru Perv

I just got back from vacation in Peru. I went with a group of people, one of whom—Joven—broke off from the rest of the pack at the beach for a few days to go to Cuzco and Machu Picchu. When he returned, he brought everyone back presents that were really thoughtful and tailored to their personalities. This is what he brought back for me:

He's such a good gift buyer,right? It's appropriately inappropriate. It's some kind of incense burner, although I'm not exactly sure how it works. There's an empty space on the bottom, a hole through the tube at the top and a hole on each of the peeps' butts.

I picked up a bunch of other cool sexually explicit items while I was down there.

Vibrating Cock Ring On TV!

I could not fucking believe my bloodshot eyes when I saw this commercial on MTV the other night. It's for the Durex Ring, a vibrating cock ring. Yeah, the product isn't that great (if you actually use it as instructed, you have to keep the ween in you, no thrusting, just to feel the vibe on your clit) but still, this is huge. I love the idea of guys carrying around a Ring in their wallets as they would a condom. It's about time that women's likes and needs are addressed and advertised in such a way. (And, newsflash: Axe cologne doesn't do it for us at all.)

This commercial will hopefully work toward expunging the stigma associated with vibrators that the women who use them are lonely, ugly, and dateless. This is progress, people! We haven't necessarily arrived, but we're cumming.

Fun Bags

Someone in the Ziploc marketing team pulled a real boner when they developed "Fun Bags."

Or maybe they were trying to be all subliminal or something. Obviously these are aimed at children, many of whom were raised on food from fun bags, if you know what I mean, and surely, you must.

I'm not sure if these are sold anymore. I used to get my weed delivered in these, when I ordered larger quantities. When my dealer first told me what they're called, I think I laughed for like three minutes straight. It's still funny to me now, even though I'm not presently stoned. But shit, I should be. It's Friday.

Do You Believe in Magic?

Ever since I wore out my old vibrator, I hadn’t been as enthusiastic about masturbating. Yeah, I still did it all the time, but it took a lot more effort to get there. Sometimes I would use like two bullets and a slim vibe all at the same time, and it still didn’t equal the power of my dearly departed Dr. Scholl’s. I’d occasionally even stoop to using my hand, high-school style. With my heart pounding and my arm sore, I realized I was too out of shape for that shit.

Thankfully, a boy gave me this for Christmas.

A Hitachi Magic Wand!!!

It may have been the first time ever in the history of opening presents that I 100% meant it when I exclaimed, “Just what I always wanted!"

I'm Missin' Those Good Vibrations

Today is a sad day. My vibrator has died. It was my most beloved posession. Everything is different now. My eyes are wet with tears, while my panties are drier than saw dust. Suddenly playing with myself just got a lot lonelier.

After years of service giving me honorable discharge, I think I sent the damn thing to an early grave from overuse.

Write On!

I went to Atlantic City last week. I love going to the trashy shops on the boardwalk, where they sell iguanas, junk jewelry, hooker dresses, and novelty sex items.

I was lucky enough to find a pen with my name on it.

Retrosexual

I have no use for virgins—I prefer an experienced dude. But when it comes to vibrators, there's no way I'm taking sloppy seconds. However, when I saw this '60s-era "massager" at the Avenue A flea market, I couldn't resist owning a piece of sexual history.

Fucklace

Isn't my new necklace cute? It was given to me by a boy. As a "thank you," I blew him. And as a "you're welcome," he fucked my face.